Monday, September 7, 2009

silence and sadness (updated)

This past week has been filled with such emotion...including many moments of loneliness and intense sadness.

Not sure why all of these emotions are so strong right now. Perhaps the "back to school" time of year and all the preparation that must happen for a child with medical, auditory, and developmental challenges.

My mommy heart just about broke the other night at dinner. While I continously tried to engage with Maxwell, he was in a completely different world. I was pointing out (and signing) the green trees and blue sky. Nothing. I tried some songs. Nothing. I tried silence. Nothing.

It hit hard...is this the rest of my life? Continuously trying to engage my child in the world around him...living in silence...always hoping for a miracle?

I simply want to be able to communicate with my son. I want to know what is going on in that beautiful head of his. What was his favorite part of the day? What does he want to do after dinner? What toy is his favorite? What does he want to do tomorrow?

Yep, those are my hopes. Simple...perhaps. For us...not so much. So we will keep working together and learning to communicate.

And me? Well, I will try and do a better job focusing on the following words of wisdom (posted above my desk) ...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

UPDATE: As I went to sleep last night, I really was disappointed that I posted the above thoughts. I really don't like sharing the "lows" on this journey....it feels so "woe is me." And quite honestly, I feel incredibly blessed. I have an amazing son who is happy and healthy. We have a wonderful bond and enjoy each other immensely. That should be enough.

(And ironically as I write this he is definitely communicating by bossing me around with his pointer finger. In the past three minutes, I have been TOLD to turn on the light, turn on the video, wrong one - get the other, go get peanut butter, now take me downstairs, more peanut butter. What a clever kid...and wow, he certainly can make his needs known with merely a pointer finger!)

10 comments:

ellen charge said...

u r the best mummy he could have dont put ur self down i love u more than life xxxxxxx

Crystal M. said...

Amy, we all have our moments where we need to let it out and just get it off our backs before we lose it.
I think that is one of the reasons we have our blogs and support groups.
If we just posted all the good things, no one would know how we are feeling or what was really going on in our lives.
I feel it is important to let it out once in awhile, if people do not understand that then they do not need to read our blogs, this is for us more then it is for others.
Hang in there!!
Hugs,
Crystal and Eva

Carolyn said...

Amy, we are all here for you and Max. I wish my arms could give you a {{{HUG}}} right now.
Love you both,
Carolyn in WV

Tommy's mommy said...

Remember the rest of that prayer, the second half:

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right;
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life;
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Wow, I need to read that more often. As Hannah and Nate went off to school I glanced at Liam and Tommy left in the van and wondered what EI preschool will be like for the.... and me... in three months. Okay, I'm going back to read this prayer. Big hug for ya Amy, you are one of the great ones!

hannah m said...

Dear Amy, I don't think you should ever apologize for or be disappointed in yourself for sharing your emotions - what's on your mind and your heart. It's part of your story, and doesn't in any way take away from the incredible bond you have with Max nor your absolute belief in him. There are highs and lows on this journey, for sure - on any path in life, I think. The good and the bad; the easy and the hard; the dark and the light - is part of what makes us human...and I think you are a magnificent human, Amy! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Kurby Family said...

You are most definitely allowed to have and share moments like those. You are right, you are blessed to have Max...you know more than others how celebratory it is for each and every little accomplishment. The littlest (and still bigger) things in life are celebrated and cherished by you in a way that other moms will never experience. It may be tiresome at times, but I know you wouldn't want it any other way...I know I want it all back.

Leslie, Arlin and Katie Kauffman said...

Amy, don't feel you need to apologize for your feelings. As much as we all sometimes hate to admit it, sadness and grief are a huge (and normal) part of our journey. It doesn't mean we love our kids any less or don't relish every accomplishment they make, small or large. It just means we are human and we want our children to be happy and to be able to share their world with us. The sadness is always with us to some degree, I think--a lot of times right below the surface--and sometimes it bubbles up to where we have to acknowledge it and release it. But the release usually helps us to appreciate all the good things in our lives that much more.

Big hugs to you, my friend! You are such a great mommy to that special boy of yours!

Love,
Leslie

Kristi said...

I had all of these things I wanted to say as I read this post, Amy.
But, after reading the comments, "ditto" suffices, especially with Leslie and Hannah.
The highs and lows are the honest journey. It's real... it's your story. If you didn't have the lows, you wouldn't ever be able to appreciate the highs the way you do... or the miracles that occur through your journey with that beautiful boy every single day.
You are an amazing mommy... amazing... and it is a privilege to witness your entire story with Max.

Catherine said...

hey I wanted to say I've seen Reu using the pointy finger of late and I immediately thought of Max.. cx

mama to jayna and ryen said...

It wouldn't be a journey without the lows...at least that's what they tell me. We experience the "highs" in our children's lives in a way that most parents don't. I think its brave of you to share the harder side. You're doing it, sister. And most of us who read your words are in awe of you...your energy, your commitment, your resolve.