Wednesday, January 14, 2009

waves of sadness

After speech therapy this morning, I drove Maxwell to school and observed for awhile. He has made such incredible progress with accepting the routines, working with the therapists, and engaging in activities.

So many times I found myself smiling with such joy...so proud of my lil' guy being at school. Then a wave of sadness would fall upon me. Here is my beautiful son learning and advancing each and every day, yet he is significantly behind his peers...even in a class of children with developmental disabilities. I know it's not fair to "compare," and I rarely do. But the difference this morning was so obvious...it was impossible to not notice.

I stayed for some time, but finally my heart was too heavy to stay. It's been an emotional day.

*And Max, please don't for one minute think I am disappointed in you. I have never witnessed such dedication and enthusiasm for learning new skills. You are the most amazing lil' boy a momma could ever want. It's my own "expectations" that need to change.

7 comments:

Jen said...

I'm sure those moments are tough.

Eva and her 'rents said...

*hughughug*

Leslie, Arlin and Katie Kauffman said...

School observations for me have always been tough. Preschool ones especially got to me, because I just hadn't seen Katie around a lot of kids before, and her delays as compared to the other kids really hit me full-force. It was usually all I could do to keep the tears from flowing until I got outside to my car. It's better now that she's a little older--I guess I've just become more accepting of the reality now--but it still hurts nonetheless. Hugs to you--I know what you're going through.

Eva Nichole said...

It is hard not to compare sometimes, it sometimes feels like its not fair but at the same time we feel blessed to have these little miracles in our lives.
Hang in there sweetie,
Crystal and Eva

Carolyn said...

Amy,I wish I lived close so I could give you a hug. You are an awesome mommy and Max is doing things at his own pace.
Love and Prayers,
Carolyn

Kristi said...

Oh Amy,
I read this with a knowing mind and heart. Sometimes the delays and "differences" of our kiddos is just so glaringly obvious to us that our mommy mind and heart can't help but hurt a little. And, of course, you aren't disappointed in Max... your pride and pure love is so evident. I think for me, it's that sometimes, I am still so disappointed for Gracie... not because I want her to be different than she is, but because I wish it could be easier for her. Does that make sense?
I sometimes (though not often now) have moments just like that when reading about the accomplishments of other kids with CHARGE... a "comparison" that I shouldn't make, but can't help every once in a while since Gracie's delays seem to be on the more severe side of the "scale." We do all we can to provide them with the tools and resources to be the best they can... and what they are able to do is the scale we use.
It doesn't mean that there aren't days where the waves of sadness flood in... I think it's normal... and OK. Allow yourself to feel it, and then move on without guilt, Mommy.

Hugs to you,
Kristi

Ang said...

I love your not to maxwell.