Isn't it easier to look at the world through rose colored glasses? I think so..and that is what I usually choose to do. I would much rather focus on my overwhelming pride and love for Maxwell and all of our amazing blessings instead of worrying about his daily challenges, our finances, the future. It simply is too much...so what's the point?
But apparently my body feels differently and is letting me know.
I met with the doctor again yesterday regarding my breathing. It has gotten much worse in recent months and we were talking about our next "strategy." While there was thought of me revisiting the pulmonologist, she really thinks it may be directly related to stress and my lack of "truly feeling it." It's a difficult issue to openly discuss, but let's just say I rarely get truly sad/mad these days. It simply is too painful, so apparently I subconsciously put away those feelings.
Because really...what's the point of getting angry about Max's challenges? What's the point yelling "this isn't fair?" What's the point about being sad each and every time I see a baby waving and saying "hi" so dang easily and my kiddo is 3 1/2 and has yet to manage that skill? What's the point about being upset that so few people know how to truly connect with my amazing lil' guy?
And the divorce and financial "stuff"...seriously what is the point? (It's been four years and we had yet another hearing yesterday. It will be next year before anything is actually resolved.)
It was interesting yesterday that as soon as the doctor brought up "feeling the emotions," my eyes started to water and I tried to stop it. This of course proved her point. And while I know she is right, I really don't want to "go there."
After my appointment, I immediately called one of my best friends and asked her if she ever cried about her son's challenges, life, etc. And surprise surprise, she does. I don't know why but that made me feel better. I suppose it helps to know that not everyone is holding it together perfectly and it will be ok to be sad from time to time. (Thanks "K"...I truly value our friendship and our honesty with each other.)
So that's where I am...that was a whole lot of honesty to share but I felt I needed to get it down in writing to myself and for others along this journey. To all my special needs friends...if anyone needs a good cry/vent, let me know...apparently I need one too! :)