Wednesday, October 22, 2008

stress, anxiety, honesty, emotions...

Isn't it easier to look at the world through rose colored glasses? I think so..and that is what I usually choose to do. I would much rather focus on my overwhelming pride and love for Maxwell and all of our amazing blessings instead of worrying about his daily challenges, our finances, the future. It simply is too what's the point?

But apparently my body feels differently and is letting me know.

I met with the doctor again yesterday regarding my breathing. It has gotten much worse in recent months and we were talking about our next "strategy." While there was thought of me revisiting the pulmonologist, she really thinks it may be directly related to stress and my lack of "truly feeling it." It's a difficult issue to openly discuss, but let's just say I rarely get truly sad/mad these days. It simply is too painful, so apparently I subconsciously put away those feelings.

Because really...what's the point of getting angry about Max's challenges? What's the point yelling "this isn't fair?" What's the point about being sad each and every time I see a baby waving and saying "hi" so dang easily and my kiddo is 3 1/2 and has yet to manage that skill? What's the point about being upset that so few people know how to truly connect with my amazing lil' guy?

And the divorce and financial "stuff"...seriously what is the point? (It's been four years and we had yet another hearing yesterday. It will be next year before anything is actually resolved.)

It was interesting yesterday that as soon as the doctor brought up "feeling the emotions," my eyes started to water and I tried to stop it. This of course proved her point. And while I know she is right, I really don't want to "go there."

After my appointment, I immediately called one of my best friends and asked her if she ever cried about her son's challenges, life, etc. And surprise surprise, she does. I don't know why but that made me feel better. I suppose it helps to know that not everyone is holding it together perfectly and it will be ok to be sad from time to time. (Thanks "K"...I truly value our friendship and our honesty with each other.)

So that's where I am...that was a whole lot of honesty to share but I felt I needed to get it down in writing to myself and for others along this journey. To all my special needs friends...if anyone needs a good cry/vent, let me know...apparently I need one too! :)


Diane and Alex said...

You hang in there sweetie, we all have things that weigh us down from time to time. I, myself, have been stressed to the max lately. Pray, pray and pray. You have one awesome son and God gave him to you for a reason. I love him, he is adorable and as far as your ex, he has a lot to answer for. You go girl, you are the best and your son is A No. 1.

Tommy's mommy said...

Heavy sigh. I think I included some of my emotions in an email to you today. I never knew it would be this hard. Honestly. Somedays are more emotional than others and some 'triggers' are so benign (like a grocery checker saying he's an angel baby)... go figure. We all need a good cry together! I might need a 'K' phone call soon too! Hugs and loves to you my friend.

ellen charge said...

hugs did anyone ever say was easy

Eva Nichole said...

I am so right there with you and when people always tell me how strong I am I wish they could see me late at night when I am crying my eyes out. I have had the same breathing issues you are talking about and its so hard on your body and on the family when you can not seem to catch your breath.
I know I wish I had more people to talk to one on one or even over the phone just someone who gets it.
I do not have that here at home and it kills me sometimes no being able to pick up the phone and call someone.
I get so jealous all the time over my friends who have "normal" children and they go out once in a while with friends and just hang out and talk about their lives. I can not do that because I do not want a pitty party.
Hun I with we lived closer together so we could be each others support systems I know I could use one too.
Call me if you ever want to talk or vent.

Eva and her 'rents said...

Very brave of you to say it to yourself let alone to all of us. Thank you. Yes, we keep it together on the surface for the purpose of functioning but, as your body is telling you, we still must face all those icky emotions. I cry. I bemoan. I worry; I panic; I get all tight in my chest. And then I see my acupuncturist, my chiropractor, my therapist, my best friend and get thru another day, week, month. Feel the pain and the joy and marvel at the richness of your emotions.

Shelly and Luke said...

Oh yeah... I'm with you there, Amy. I have the same tendency to slap on a happy face all the time. I also have this weird breathing thing where I feel like I can't get a deep enough breath. But the truth is, that while yes, we are so grateful for so many things, there are still so many struggles we have to face along with our special needs kiddos, and along with that goes emotions, whether we hide them your not, the emotions are still there. Let yourself cry, vent, scream or whatever you need to do once in a while. Please know that you are not alone, feel free to call me anytime, that's what friends are for.

Ang said...

the same thing goes for you sweety. You can call or email me anytime.

At almost 14 I'm spending days in the hospital clinics learning my son is losing his hearing, new surgeries that were never discussed before, and now orthadontia..And I ask myself why this is still happening to him? Was I living in the land of denial?

Love to you and family..Please take care of yourself babe. Because if you don't, who will be there to take care of our Maxwell.

Lisa W. said...

It's hard to take the time to have a good cry every now and then. I remember trying to stay so tough and, like you, just focus on the 'wonderfulness' of Kennedy. Then, out of the blue, I'd be some where and some silly little thing I wasn't even thinking about would make me think about the enormity of what she has and still continues to, overcome. I end up having a big meltdown when I get home and it's like I was blindsided.

I know this is of no real help, just wanted to say I think I get it.

Lots of love,
Lis & Kennedy

Sarah said...

Oh Amy..I in the last year have developed anxiety and have anxiety attacks and high blood pressure. We all have become strong people yet we are still allowed to have our breaking moments. We are sending you tons of hugs and kisses. Do you ever come back to Wheeling? If so I would love to be able for all of us to meet. We'll have to wait until Caleb gets an immune system of course but we would love to meet you and Max!
God Bless,
Brian, Sarah, and Caleb Hlebiczki

hannah m said...

Amy, I read your words this morning and have been thinking about them and you today. Thank you for sharing about how you're feeling. Such complicated emotions, aren't they?

I cry a lot. It's always been part of my personality, I guess, but the past year has seen A LOT of tears falling down this freckled face!

This is just my opinion, but I think it's so important to sit with the difficult and challenging stuff and let it affect me - even if I start crying at inopportune moments. I try not to dwell, but I do acknowledge. Amy, parenting is hard. Parenting a child who has special needs and hospital visits and surgeries is really hard. Amazing and beautiful, but challenging.

Please take care of you. And I hope you'll share when you're having a tough time. I think that's the beauty of blogland - we can buoy each other up on the tough days and celebrate with each other on the amazing days despite being scattered around the world. Hugs and love, dear friend.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My son was born at 28 weeks gestation and had a rough start, but is otherwise, a "typical" 10 year old boy. I cried on his birthday every year and called the NICU to thank them, etc. Until last year. It took me 10 years to be strong enough to face his birthday with just normal joy instead of tears.

I know you probably feel - as a single parent - if you don't keep it together, who will? None of us can hold all that together forever and remain healthy. Give yourself safe moments to feel the emotions. I'm glad you have a friend for real life emotional support too. {{{HUGS}}}.

Amy, Mike and Ben Russo said...

You are only human and what we all deal with on a day to day basis becomes too much for everyone at times (if they say it isn't, they aren't being truthful). I do find that I feel so much better the morning after a good cry and an honest discussion. It is like shedding those feeling... they leave me through tears and I'm able to move on and start with a new perspective.

Pearl said...

Amy -- I haven't been on here in a long while and just popped in to see how you two are doing. My heart goes out to you right now. Obviously, I can't truly comprehend the range of emotions you're experiencing on a daily basis, but I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there was something more profound I could offer you, but all I've got to give is my support, my prayers and all the positive energy I can muster to send your way!!

You are doing a remarkable job--the work of far more than one person. Don't lose sight of that. But also remember that it's okay to to cry, and it's okay to be angry. That's all part of the human experience, too.

I've been reading a lot of Buddhist texts about dealing with pain and disappointment (for my own complicated reasons) and would like to leave you with this:

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."

-- That's from Pema Chodron, a regular old American woman who found herself on the path to becoming a buddhist nun, after her husband came home one day and told her he didn't want to be married anymore. I really like her teachings and thought you might, as well.

Shannon and Carey said...

Hi Amy,
Thanks for bearing your soul. I just want to say that I hear you and that all of us are here for you. I agree with what one poster said.....thank God for blogging! Look at Mister Maxwell. He is precious in these recent pics.....esp the one with rosey cheeks! Kiss them for me!
Shannon in Austin